TDS Self-Assessment Instrument

Unofficial & Mildly Concerned Edition

Entertainment only. Not valid for diagnosis, licensing, dinner-table arguments, or cable-news auditions.

Reminder: Derangement is nonpartisan. Symptoms may rotate seasonally.

Questions

When you see a headline containing a certain three-letter name, your pulse:

Remains steady and calm. Increases slightly. Spikes as if preparing for a televised panel debate. Can be heard audibly across the room.
You have ever:

Read the full article before commenting. Commented after reading the headline. Commented before reading the headline. Commented on a screenshot of someone else’s comment.
During conversations, you:

Wait for topic relevance. Casually redirect most topics toward national collapse. Can connect weather patterns to federal policy within 30 seconds. Have rehearsed talking points stored for immediate deployment.
Your phone contains:

Family photos and recipes. A modest collection of political memes. A categorized archive of screenshots. Evidence folders titled “Proof.”
At social gatherings, you:

Discuss hobbies. Monitor the room for ideological instability. Fact-check in real time. Have been asked to “please just enjoy dinner.”
When someone disagrees with you, you:

Nod politely. Provide a calm counterpoint. Begin citing sources from memory. Experience immediate internal documentary narration.
You believe:

Nuance is valuable. Nuance is overrated. Everything is connected. Everything is intentional.
Your emotional recovery time after political news is:

Minutes. Hours. News-cycle dependent. Ongoing.

Mostly first answers: Mild Exposure. Continue hydration.

Mostly second answers: Elevated Engagement. You may still maintain friendships.

Mostly third answers: Advanced Symptomatology. Eligible for Outrage Endurance coursework.

Mostly fourth answers: Field Research Candidate. Report for supervised de-escalation exercises.

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