Archival Discovery: The Genealogy of Jack Shit
During a routine archival review within the Institute for Applied B.S. at Crow University, researchers uncovered what appears to be the first structured genealogical record of the Shit family. The document below is presented as the best surviving reconstruction currently available to the public.
Recovered Abstract
The Institute for Applied B.S. occasionally encounters historical references that appear again and again in modern discourse. One such figure is the oft-cited individual behind the familiar expression, “You don’t know Jack Shit.”
This recovered record traces the line from the patriarch Aw Shit and his marriage to Oh Shit of the enterprise known as Knee-Deep in Shit, through their son Jack Shit and the extended branches of the family that would eventually influence numerous idiomatic expressions throughout the English-speaking world.
For the first time, the genealogy of Jack Shit may now be examined in its broader familial and historical context.
Documented Lineage
Aw Shit — fertilizer magnate
Married: Oh Shit — proprietor of the enterprise known as Knee-Deep in Shit
Issue of this union:
- Jack Shit
Jack Shit married: No Shit
Children produced of this marriage:
- Holy Shit
- Give a Shit
- Full of Shit
- Bull Shit
- Deep Shit
- Dip Shit
Notable family developments:
- Deep Shit married Dumb Shit, a high-school dropout.
- Dip Shit married Lota Shit and produced a son named Chicken Shit.
- Bull Shit traveled abroad and returned from Italy with his bride, Pisa Shit.
- Following divorce from Jack Shit, No Shit later married Ted Sherlock and became known as No Shit Sherlock.
Recovered Record
Many have wondered who Jack Shit really is.
Generations have found themselves at a loss when confronted with the phrase, “You don’t know Jack Shit.”
Thanks now to the recovered genealogical record before us, that question may finally be answered in a more disciplined and intellectually satisfying manner.
Jack Shit is identified as the only son of Aw Shit.
Aw Shit, a fertilizer magnate of some standing, married Oh Shit, owner of the enterprise known as Knee-Deep in Shit.
From this union came one son, Jack.
In due course, Jack Shit married No Shit.
The couple produced six children:
- Holy Shit
- Give a Shit
- Full of Shit
- Bull Shit
- Deep Shit
- Dip Shit
Against parental wishes, Deep Shit later married Dumb Shit, described in the record as a high-school dropout.
After fifteen years of marriage, Jack Shit and No Shit divorced.
The record further notes that No Shit subsequently married Ted Sherlock, yet retained her previous married name.
In consequence, she became known more broadly as No Shit Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Shit married Lota Shit, and from that union came a somewhat nervous son named Chicken Shit.
Bull Shit, identified as the prodigal son, departed to travel the world and eventually returned from Italy with his bride, Pisa Shit.
This reconstruction confirms what scholars of Applied B.S. have long suspected: we all live in a world of shit; the only remaining question is whether one understands the lineage.
The expression “You don’t know Jack Shit” may now be corrected by reference to this recovered genealogical record, which places the figure in proper household, marital, and historical context.
Archival Plate
A shareable visual reconstruction is available below as the official Crow University archival plate.
Downloadable Image
For quoting, reposting, or respectable academic distribution, use the official image above or cite this page directly.
Suggested citation: Crow University, Institute for Applied B.S., Archival Studies Record STD-001, “The Genealogy of Jack Shit.”